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Celtics Blog

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Australian Cop Might Be Fired for Party Trick Involving His Pierced Penis

Australian police Sergeant Andrew Lawrance might lose his job after offending his boss when he attached a bottle opener to his penis piercing and opened a beer with it at a police Christmas party. What a way to get canned.

Apparently Lawrance told a group of his colleagues and their wives about his piercing at the party and they asked to see it, so he went to an empty bathroom stall, attached the opener, and returned to demonstrate his patented way to pop open a brewski. This was way back in 2008, but Lawrance had to testify about the incident in front of a police commission this week after his boss took offense to the trick, even though he didn't see it.

Strangely enough, this wasn't the first time Lawrance got in trouble for his little "trick," and he even got counseling after doing the same thing several years ago. Some people just never learn! Lawrance thinks losing his job over the incident would be "harsh," but don't worry about him too much: He already has a part-time job. Working in a bottle shop. No lie! I really hope he comes to America and goes to some crappy party where a guy pulls out his tiny junk piercing and then Lawrance steps up, gets all Crocodile Dundee, and goes, "That's not a dick piercing. Now this is a dick piercing."

Thursday, March 18, 2010

What Type of Nerd Are You?

What Type of Nerd Are You?

All the nerds are in one place this week at SXSW, but, let's face it, we all have a little bit of nerd in us. These days geekdom is large and diverse enough for everyone. Where do you fit in?

There are certain things that all geeks have in common: an intense interest in a very specialized field, fervent enthusiasm for a set of hobbies, a group of other people who share their obsessions, and probably a little bit of social awkwardness. Sure, there are people who fit these stereotypes exactly, but there are enough permutations and substrata of each of these categories that there has to be some leeway. And some people combine traits and interests from a number of these worlds into one big ball of übernerd. But deep down inside, you know which way your dilithium crystal crumbles. Embrace it! Enjoy it! Nerds have already taken over Hollywood. One day they'll conquer the globe!

What Type of Nerd Are You?

Sci-Fi Geek

Description: The most influential of the bunch when it comes to pop culture, this group has pretty much taken over the entertainment business. They love anything related to comic books, superheros, galaxies far far away, fantasy worlds, alien invasions, or Sigourney Weaver in space. Without them, blockbusters wouldn't have monster opening weekends, Fringe would have no viewers, and Batman would have no fans. Not only do they obsessively collect the books, DVDs, and figurines related to their favorite titles, they often dress up in their costumes in the hopes of becoming the characters themselves.
Substrata: Comic Nerds, Trekkers, LAIR revelers
Gathering Place: San Diego Comic Con
Knows Way Too Much Useless Information About: The life and many deaths of Jean Grey
Eagerly Anticipating: Iron Man 2

What Type of Nerd Are You?

Tech Nerds

Description: These are the power players in the business world because they have the most money. This is the guy who needs the latest gadget, can configure your computer in a snap, and actually bothers to read the instruction manual that comes with a digital camera. He probably has at least a little knowledge of computer programming, optimizes his web browser to do absolutely everything for him but fix his fancy coffee, and could probably take over the whole world with nothing but an iPhone and a maniacal laugh. Whether he's a Mac or a PC, he is all nerd.
Substrata: Computer geeks, Cell phone wizards, Hackers
Gathering Place: Apple Keynote
Knows Way Too Much Useless Information About: Google Chrome
Eagerly Anticipating: Hello! iPads come out April 3!

What Type of Nerd Are You?

Mad Scientists

Description: You can't mess with the original. These are the chemists, engineers, physicists and other general crazies who are more comfortable in the controlled confines of the lab than in the messy, messy real world. However, they are responsible for the food we eat, the cars we drive, and the drugs we take—even sometimes the illegal ones. Without them, we'd still be using stone wheels and struggling to start a campfire with a flint. They are our saviors, but total bores at dinner parties.
Substrata: Mathematicians, Pharmacologists, Bio Researchers
Gathering Place: American Association for the Advancement of Science (AAAS) annual meeting
Knows Way Too Much Useless Information About: You wouldn't even understand it if we told you. Idiot.
Eagerly Anticipating: When the Large Hadron Collider finally works

What Type of Nerd Are You?

Music Snobs

Description: They think they're cooler than you, but they're just as geeky as all the other castes. Rather than just being a hipster into the newest and hottest bands and changing their tastes according to the zeitgeist, this person is also a fiendish collector of a certain genre of music. Whether it's late American bluegrass, German opera, early East Coast hip-hop, or Baltimore booty house, they have a finely tuned and exhaustive collection and scoff at anyone who never heard of whichever undiscovered "genius" they're researching.
Substrata: Pick a genre, from disco to classical guitar, and it has its own snob
Gathering Place: Coachella
Knows Way Too Much Useless Information About: Where to find original vinyl
Eagerly Anticipating: Sex

What Type of Nerd Are You?

The Wonk

Description: This nerd has decided to use his brilliant mind for evil, not good, and gotten into the political game. He has been in more legislative bodies than female ones, and knows all the key players in all of them. There is not one minute detail of parliamentary procedure, voting district, or legislative record that he has overlooked. He lunches with lobbyists, suppers with strategists, and drinks with demagogues. They keep Meet the Press in business and fall asleep with the CNN crawl running through their little heads.
Substrata: All that matters is Republican or Democrat. Got that, Nader?
Gathering Place: K Street
Knows Way Too Much Useless Information About: The losing vice presidential candidates of the 20th century. Estes Kefauver, anyone?
Eagerly Anticipating: June 8th, of course. It's the midterm primary election in 10 states!

What Type of Nerd Are You?


Description: These are the people who live and die by video games of course. They play interactive Halo with strangers online, twist and twirl Mario on screen until their retinas bleed, and engage in strange Pokemon battles on our roof. They have a special place in their entertainment console for their Playstation, Wii, XBox, Game Cube, Classic NES, rescued Sega Genesis, and thrift store Atari. When not in front of a TV they play on hand-held devices in the car and on the subway. No, video games aren't just for kids anymore. The kids grew up and became nerds.
Substrata: Based mostly on which genre they like best: sports games, platformers, role playing, and the like
Gathering Place: E3 Expo
Knows Way Too Much Useless Information About: Cheat codes for Dante's Inferno
Eagerly Anticipating: It's going to be a long wait until Halo Reach this fall.

What Type of Nerd Are You?

Gay Geek

Description: This guy can fall into any of the other classifications listed here, but is also gay. He's too nerdy for mainstream gay culture and too gay for mainstream nerd culture, so he is all alone except for the other lost souls he meets over the internet who share an interest in the games, comics, slashfic, and other goodies created just for them. There are some nerdy categories specific to gay culture, but many homosexuals have an affinity for sci-fi.
Substrata: Gaymers, Show Queens, Madonna Maniacs, Grindr Gurus, LGBT Activists
Gathering Place: Manhunt
Knows Way Too Much Useless Information About: Shirtless scenes on Battlestar Galactica
Eagerly Anticipating: The next Fanboy of the Month

What Type of Nerd Are You?

Sports Fanatic

Description: Many might not consider this rabid sort of sports fan a nerd, but he displays all the traditional behavior of one. He has minute statistics memorized, he dresses funny for special events, he probably hasn't scored in a long time, and he doesn't engage in the thing that he loves most in the world. The wins and losses of his favorite team mean more to him than anything and can affect his mood for days. More than just a casual viewer, don't dare ask this guy, "How about them Yankees?" unless you want to hear a rant about how the managerial Kremlinology of the team has adversely affected ERAs, RBIs, and designated hitters in alternating away games.
Substrata: Football fanatics, Statistics junkies, Cheeseheads
Gathering Place: Tailgate parties
Knows Way Too Much Useless Information About: Fantasy sports league drafting
Eagerly Anticipating: Opening day of Major League Baseball

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

You Can Buy the Shoes from SATC, But Not the Book

Remember the book that plays a major role between Carrie and Big in the Sex and the City movie, Love Letters of Great Men? It's not a real book! They just invented it for the movie. (Much to the dismay of booksellers—they're been swamped with requests.)

Defeated Britney Spears Tells Us Where She'd Like to Be Buried

Poor, deep-fried, wistful tiny car driver (and, I suppose, musician) Britney Spears has chosen her burial plot. It's located in the bittersweetly named Hollywood Forever Cemetery. After hearing about Marilyn Monroe picking her own grave site, the singer wanted to follow suit and "when Britney saw Rudolph Valentino's grave at the cemetery she shrieked and said she wanted one." Though, she doesn't plan on going there anytime soon. "I'm going to live so I want to be brought to the Forever Cemetery when I'm 101," she said, with devastating optimism, to a pal. We like to imagine that the service, before she is entombed in Hollywood Forever, will consist of mournful piano renditions of her hit songs like "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" and "Lucky," while her two sons, wearing sailor costumes, slowly waltz.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004


Stating the obvious here, I'm not doing much with the site these days. Until further notice, get your fix from the FSNE site with Bruce Allen's "Banner Headlines", Obey the Truth, and the other links. I didn't see the game tonight, but winning in Miami is nice--the Heat's been better since getting people healthy.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Half-Way to... 40 Wins?

The Celtics have now completed half their regular season schedule at 20-21. I ominously noted in my last post that the win in Houston wouldn't mean anything if the Celtics turned around and lost to the Rockets at home later in the week--and that's exactly what they just did.

I actually fell asleep watching the game, which is just as well given how it turned out, but it leaves me without much to say. The box score reveals how different this was from the Sunday game. Pierce had an amazing 4 points on 1-10 shooting, compared with 27 Sunday. Yao Ming, held to 6 points Sunday, had a 21-15 evening, with 19 in the first half, and he shot 10-14. The Celtics shot 36 percent, compared with 47 percent Sunday. Vin Baker registered his second DNP-CD since coming back to the team last night in Milwaukee following his three-game suspension. Clarence Weatherspoon similarly registered a DNP-CD for the Rockets, making me wonder why Houston traded Moochie Norris for a guy they aren't playing.

I caught just a bit of the Milwaukee game Tuesday, which was similarly dispiriting. I wonder if Ricky Davis was having Cleveland flashbacks as he scored a lot and his team played no defense?

As my nap suggests, I'm a tad overworked at the moment, but more regular and hyperactive blogging should be resuming shortly.

Monday, January 12, 2004


The Celtics went over the .500 mark finally with a 97-93 win in Houston tonight. The victory was the team's third straight and first in Texas in a very long time. They may finally be turning the corner with the new personnel feeling comfortable, though Pierce provided a reality check in Sunday's Globe when he said, "I see it as probably around the All-Star break when we're really going to start coming together."

Jiri Welsch and Walter McCarty had 21 each to complement Pierce's 27. Jiri was a blistering 7-8 shooting, 3-3 from three, and Walter hit 5-10 from beyond the arc.

Houston came in a highly touted defensive team, and Boston's 47% shooting came against the club leading the league in defensive field-goal percentage. The Rockets aren't so good on offense, as they often hoisted shots at the end of the clock after being very slow to run their sets. Yao Ming also was a non-factor with just six points in 23 minutes--he didn't play in the fourth.

It's a nice road win and all, but it won't mean much unless the Celtics can beat Houston again at home on Wednesday night. Hopefully we can start carrying over our strong play on the road (10-8, 6-1 at Western teams) to the home games.

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Think, Then Speak

ESPN's "NBA Shootaround" show seems to be full of inane comments from the panel that are calibrated just to get people riled up, not to actually be correct. Case in point: last night they brought up Ricky Davis's dissing of Cleveland in advance of the Cavs' first visit to the Fleet since the trade. Bill Lame-beer (not exactly unbiased toward the Celtics, one would think), seizing on Davis's comment that Boston is a much better team, then said the funny part was that the Cavs might have a better record than the Celtics come year end. Excuse me?

The Celtics pummeled the Cavs 107-82 last night. LeBron James had 19 points in 43 minutes and looked terrible doing it. Paul Silas kept him on the floor to the bitter end either to punish him or, as he said afterward, to try to let him find himself. Meanwhile, the Celtics had six guys in double figures, including Pierce's 30-12-8 performance. Davis, obviously pumped to stick it to his old team, put in 16. Brandon Hunter made his NBA debut with two points in seven minutes.

Hunter is getting the playing time now that the Celtics are rather thin across the front line. LaFrentz, attending his first game since knee surgery, is out for the year (even though he told Willie May--the "modern-day Edward R. Murrow" in the words of Peter Stringer--he could recuperate before season's end in an interview last night, don't bet on it). Vin Baker's status is also up in the air, with Vin slated to return from a three-game suspension Tuesday night in Milwaukee (before that we play in Houston Sunday night at 8:30). Chris Mihm and Mark Blount started at the 4 and 5 for the second consecutive game, now that Jim O'Brien seems to have figured out that playing Walter McCarty big minutes at power forward isn't going to work.

The game also marked the return of Tony Battie, Eric Williams and Kedrick Brown (Doc Holliday must have been happy to see KB back in town). Battie had a strong 10 point-13 rebound night, while Williams and Brown, both of whom started, were pretty quiet.

Michael McClellan has a good take on Davis over at Celtics Nation.

Also, this letter to the Globe indicates I was somewhat correct to view Peter May's column earlier this week on Baker as unduly harsh:

To claim, as May does, that this relapse means that the Celtics can no longer "trust" Baker, since it violates the agreement they had made that he would not drink, is absurd. It presupposes that trust can only be maintained in a "perfect" recovery, which is false. There are very few recoveries that are perfect. The key factors in whether Baker--or anyone else--succeeds in his recovery from alcoholism are the degree of insight he has into his condition, how committed he is to getting better, and what positive steps he is willing to continue to take.

Anyone who believes that a relapse somehow changes everything--that the Celtics are now forced into some kind of momentous decision--is misunderstanding the natural history of the disease and the perseverance and commitment required to manage it.


Pierce was fined $7,500 for throwing the ball in the stands during the Orlando game Wednesday night.

The upcoming schedule: at Houston Sunday 8:30, at Milwaukee Tuesday 8:00, vs. Houston Wednesday 7:00. That last one is Asian-American night at the Fleet, on account of Yao Ming.